Practicing safe sax
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?