Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Weirdos gonna weird.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff