WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
These aren’t even hard anymore.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.