Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.