Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.