*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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This is my cat’s medicine.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I love it all
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
i love modern commerce
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“i miss shittin on people”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure