Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”