Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
You Might Also Like
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,