the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.