If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??