My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret