My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.