I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
road rage
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?