The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
i- i did not expect this
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.