My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.