The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!