7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.