when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Camping tip: No.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.