Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[eulogy]
line?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.