Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys