I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Meow
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks