Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me鈥ell, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don鈥檛 have to make small talk*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I鈥檒l go home with him just because we’re married
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there鈥檚 one in every room
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
馃槀馃槀