KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza