Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Me trying to reach for my goals
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol