My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
when someone compliments me
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy