Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Social Media and Real life
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Simple
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.