My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.