I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
How wrong was this guy?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Ferrari squats
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming