“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You Might Also Like
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*updates tinder bio*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life