[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?