CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Actually cracking up @ this
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.