yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.