me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
(2022)
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.