The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
thinking about a very short hotdog
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.