boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
no one likes gloating
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”