Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs