It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.