the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.