I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet