Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
#Caturday
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!