Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!