Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!