An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
let’s discuss
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.