The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Ah..makes sense now
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“i am a sweet baby”