can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.