“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.