One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Where is your GOD now????
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.