Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.