I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Social Media and Real life
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot