Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me buying fruit and veg
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.